Peace in Our 4/4 Time
Kim Jung Un raving yesterday.
Relaxing of Official Secrets Act reveals the amazing role payday party Music of Electronic Origin played in fostering global harmony and averting genocide.
In a controversial book, published today, amateur historian and full time pheromin tuner, Ted Healthscare today blew the whistle on the enormous part Electronic Music has played in averting global disaster in key events of the Twentieth Century, including - The Cuban Missile Crisis, Iran/Israel and North Korea.
He also reveals how detonating the Electronic Music bomb earlier in the build up to major World Conflicts could have prevented World Wars 1 and 2, The Spanish Civil War and the Stalinist purges.
Healthscare believes this is a lesson for future leaders and that celebrating Electronic Music in all its forms should be a priority for all responsible governments around the world.
Dibby Dibby Kruschev
“In the case of the Cuban Missile Crisis,” said Healthscare, yesterday, “What no one realises is how close we really were to all out Nuclear War. Kennedy was a paranoid mess, addicted to prescription amphetamine, not the good stuff you get in a little paper wrap, and quite prepared to pushthe button.at the slightest escalation.”
“With negotiations on a knife edge, Krushchev decided to take a calculated risk and drop the rave bomb direct on Kennedy’s bonce. He arranged a conference call with the President and his generals but, instead of talking, he just played a track he’d beenworking on through the speakers.”
“It was crude by today’s standards - a basic breakbeat, no more than 110bpm, with morse code over the top, spelling out ‘All You Need is Love’ on a mad loop that he’d reversed through an echo-deck.”
“But it did the job! Within two minutes, Kennedy was properly on it, within 10 all the generals were joining in. Kruschev kept it going for over 5 hours by looping in bits of radar.alongside sampled snatches of KGB surveillance audio.”
The experience left Kennedy a changed man. From then on he vowed to build bridges with the Soviet Union. He devoted his energies toward organising a huge Minimal Techno rave in Alaska for members of both nations. Healthscare believes this led to his assassination at the hands of those in the U.S. Government who preferred Happy Hardcore.
Acid Bunker Blues
Most controversially, Healthscare believes World War II could have been averted had, “Chamberlain had the bollocks to drop some proper early breakbeat science on the Nazi party before things got really naughty.”
Healthscare’s research has unearthed that Chamberlain initially tried to appease Hitler inearly ‘37 with a gramophone recording of frothy Euro Techno Pop. Hitler apparently dismissed this as “Culturally barbaric noise pollution.” and got in a “proper bad mood” for the next eight years.
“The truth of the matter was; Chamberlain had been given an awesome Proto-Acid bomb to drop on Hitler, but decided to go with the other tune instead. Big, big mistake,” said Healthscare, earlier this morning. “We’ve all done it; dropped the wrong tune at the wrong time,but in this instance, that decision resulted in the deaths of over 80 Million heads.”
“The tune Chamberlain should’ve dropped was a lovely acid chugger; a pheromin hook over a loose 4/4 with a nice squelchy bassline provided by Anthony Eden. Had Hitler heard that, there’s no way he would’ve taken over Sudetenland, and he would’ve been too busy throwing shapes to have even thought of annexing Poland.”
“We all know what happened next... As it was, by the time Hitler finally realised and went to his bunker in Berlin, Tresor was still 40 years from being invented and besides everyone was too busy trying to repel the Russians to Rave properly.”
Ravers Against Genocide
Healthscare aims to use the profits from his book to start an Acid Charity, devoted to bringing Electronic Music to troubled hotpsots around the world in a bid to avert future genocide.
So far he has met with mixed success after taking a big top, 6 lasers, two 40k soundsystems, 14 DJ’s and 6 MC’s to Somalila. After suffering sustained shelling for two nights, he managed to retreat, escaping back across Africa on foot and finally returning to the UK with just 2 MC’s and 1 DJ.
Healthscare will be signing copies of his book and giving a talk on how Electronic music can stop mass murder on an unimaginable scale at Raise it Up, The Dalston Vic on Friday 28th February, just £3 in.
