Turn up the Bass All Night Schlong
Improved girth - a happy raver and his partner yesterday.
Fresh revelations add credence to the claim that couples who regularly get down and celebrate the bass together enjoy a more satisfying love life.
More Beats, Vicar?
Researchers from the University of Warwick’s Electronic Music and Sexy Times Department have confirmed a definite link between regularly listening to bass heavy party music and penis size.
During an exhaustive study of two thousand lovers of payday party music, conducted over 25 years, the researchers found that those who continued listening to beats, breaks and bass regularly enjoyed an increase in both girth and length.
This was especially noticable when compared against those in the study who gave it up in favour of other pursuits such as wearing Crocs, reading the Mail Online or staying in and watching broadcast television on a Friday night.
Speaking yesterday, Professor Colin Urban-Art from the University Of Warwick said, “This confirms what many suspected all along. What we need to do now is conduct further research into what it is that causes this phenomena.”
“We believe it is something to do with regular exposure to extremely low frequency outputs combined with some really fucking deep basslines at high amplification.”
“Or maybe just something to do with tiny nano-mites being birthed from the sound of a Moog going at full tilt that scurry around dancefloors and make their natural home in male genitalia, thus increasing its size over long periods. Either way - wa-hey!” He added.
Or Perhaps a bit of Bass?
Michael Fassbender was unavailable for comment on this matter. Apparently he was too busy throwing some shapes to Super Sharp Shooter in his purpose built Rave Shed.
Professor Brian Cox today advised all those wishing to conduct their own experiments on penis size in relation to Payday Party Music in a safe environment to visit Raise It Up at the Dalston Vic on Friday 27th March.
